TOP THREE FREQUENTLY ASKED QUESTIONS ABOUT RELATIONSHIPS:

1. Hey Tommy, I just got my girlfriend pregnant...

How long should I wait before I start dating again?

2. Hey Tommy, I'm at an elegant dinner party, and my date has a large booger hanging from her nose.

How much do I tip the photographer?

3. Hey Tommy, the guy in the cubicle next to me at work caught me masturbating to internet porn...

Do I or do I not tell him that I don't even work there?

FREQUENTLY ASKED QUESTIONS ABOUT RELATIONSHIPS
WITH ANSWERS:

1. Hey Tommy, when should I stop beating my kid?
- Don't stop until he learns his lesson.

2. Hey Tommy, how do I know if my girlfriend really likes me?
- Quit your job.

3. Hey Tommy, my wife's best friend wants to sleep with me. What should I do?
- Make exceptionally good love to your wife's best friend. When they compare notes, your wife won't know it's you!

4. Hey Tommy, I want to spend more time with my husband. What should I do?
- Get yourself a job at a topless bar.

5. Hey Tommy, how do I know if I'm falling out of love with my girlfriend?

- When you're the one that decides to put on the condom...

6. Hey Tommy, where's the easiest place to pick up women?

- A brothel. Where do you think?

7. Hey Tommy, where is the best place to pick up women?

- A battered women's shelter because they're willing to go the extra mile for you. Why? BECAUSE I SAID SO!

8. Hey Tommy, I feel guilty about not giving to the starving children. What should I do?

- Go to sleep early so you don't have to see those damn commercials.

9. Hey Tommy, my girlfriend won't put out until we have our third date. I want to speed up the process. Is there an exception to this "third date" rule?

- Yes. Jewelery (or if she's white-trash... cracker-barrel)

10. Hey Tommy, I'm currently dating a supermodel, and these two gorgeous twins, they want to sleep with me. What do I do?

- Wake up!

11. Hey Tommy, can I catch syphillis from a toilet seat?

- According to my ex-girlfriend, yes.

12. My girlfriend went away for the weekend, and my next door neighbor, she wants to sleep with me. What should I do?

- I say this: If a penis goes off in a forest, and there is no one there to hear it. Does it make a sound?

13. Hey Tommy, what's the secret to happiness in a relationship?
- Just set your goals really low.

14. Hey Tommy, how do you feel about dating single moms?
- I like dating single moms because after you make love to them, you can play with their video games... and if they're on welfare, that's fantastic. I love government cheese.