1. Hey Tommy, I just got my girlfriend pregnant...
How long should I wait before I start dating again?
2. Hey Tommy, I'm at an elegant dinner party, and my date has a large booger hanging from her nose.
How much do I tip the photographer?
3. Hey Tommy, the guy in the cubicle next to me at work caught me masturbating to internet porn...
Do I or do I not tell him that I don't even work there?
FREQUENTLY ASKED QUESTIONS ABOUT RELATIONSHIPS
WITH ANSWERS:
1. Hey Tommy,
when should I stop beating my kid?
- Don't stop until he learns his lesson.
2. Hey Tommy, how do I know if my girlfriend really likes me?
- Quit your job.
3. Hey Tommy, my wife's best friend wants to sleep with me. What
should I do?
- Make exceptionally good love to your wife's best friend. When
they compare notes, your wife won't know it's you!
4. Hey Tommy, I want to spend more time with my husband. What
should I do?
- Get yourself a job at a topless bar.
5. Hey Tommy, how do I know if I'm falling out of love with my
girlfriend?
- When you're the one that decides to put on the condom...
6. Hey Tommy, where's the easiest place to pick up women?
- A brothel. Where do you think?
7. Hey Tommy, where is the best place to pick up women?
- A battered women's shelter because they're willing to go the
extra mile for you. Why? BECAUSE I SAID SO!
8. Hey Tommy, I feel guilty about not giving to the starving children.
What should I do?
- Go to sleep early so you don't have to see those damn commercials.
9. Hey Tommy, my girlfriend won't put out until we have our third
date. I want to speed up the process. Is there an exception to
this "third date" rule?
- Yes. Jewelery (or if she's white-trash... cracker-barrel)
10. Hey Tommy, I'm currently dating a supermodel, and these two
gorgeous twins, they want to sleep with me. What do I do?
- Wake up!
11. Hey Tommy, can I catch syphillis from a toilet seat?
- According to my ex-girlfriend, yes.
12. My girlfriend went away for the weekend, and my next door
neighbor, she wants to sleep with me. What should I do?
- I say this: If a penis goes off in a forest, and there is no
one there to hear it. Does it make a sound?
13. Hey Tommy, what's the secret to happiness in a relationship?
- Just set your goals really low.
14. Hey Tommy, how do you feel about dating single moms?
- I like dating single moms because after you make love to them,
you can play with their video games... and if they're on welfare,
that's fantastic. I love government cheese.
